Two Central American policemen drag Ted, an average American guy, onto stage and firmly place him in a chair.

TED: I’m telling you, I don’t know anything!

PACO: Shut up, American gringo! You will remember soon enough!

JOSE: Yes, soon enough!

TED: Don’t I at least get a phone call or something?

PACO: Oh, no. Not after the last guy. He spent three hours talking to some bimbo in Las Vegas. Phone bill was so high, I had to sell my sister!

JOSE: I miss Maria…

PACO: Ah, Maria…your eyes still shine in my heart. (becomes sad and angry) Damn you, Verizon! Anytime minutes my ass!

TED: Actually, I have my own phone, if…

PACO: (snaps back to complete composure) Silence! You will speak only to answer my questions.

TED: Fine, sorry.

PACO: That was not a question! Jose! (Jose slaps Ted in the face.) Now, you filthy lap bitch of Uncle Sam, you will tell me what I want to know. Or you will die! Comprende, amigo?

TED: Comprende
.
PACO: ComprenDO. First person singular, you tourist. Now, American, what…is this? (Jose pulls a Quarter Pounder with Cheese out of his pocket and thrusts it into Ted’s hands)

TED: Looks like a Quarter Pounder with Cheese.

PACO: Jose! (Jose slaps Ted in the face.)

TED: Ow, dude, what the hell!

PACO: So the wrapper would lead you to assume. I, however, have personally weighed this all-beef patty and discovered that it is significantly less than a quarter of a pound!
Ted tries to jump in to explain, however Paco has become impassioned.
So, tell me, American. How is it that I, the loyal customer of McDonald’s, having paid my forty pesos for a meal, am to be given not a quarter pound sandwich, but rather some tiny shriveled piece of animal waste that wouldn’t be fit to give to my Chihuahua! (suddenly shifts to happy, turns to Jose) Who, by the way, did the cutest thing last night. He tried to drink out of my pina colada  and his head got stuck so he was running around the house yipping and yapping with a glass on his face! Oh, I nearly wet myself. (pause) Where was I?

TED: Shriveled animal waste.

PACO: Ah, gracias. (sudden return to anger) On the outside, McDonald’s appears to be a place of such wonder, what with their “Happy Meals” and their stupid clown and their (singing)bah bah bah bah bah…

JOSE: (singing) I’m lovin’ it!

PACO: While in reality, it is nothing more than a lying sack of mierda! Now, American, how do you explain this obvious betrayal by a restaurant I have visited so often in my life it is like my home away from home?

TED: Um, I’m pretty sure the meat’s a quarter of a pound before they cook it.
Paco and Jose are silent for a moment. Their faces both light up at the same time.

PACO: Of course! It is all so clear now. All along it was I who was in error, not my precious Mickey D’s! I have been such a fool. Jose (motions toward Ted gently). (Jose slaps Ted in the face.)

TED: Ow, son of a bitch!

PACO: No, no, Jose. Let him go. He has no more information for us. (Jose lifts Ted from the chair and shoves him offstage. Paco comes over and puts his arm over Jose’s shoulder) We have done well today, Jose. The lieutenant will be most pleased. Let us celebrate… with two microwaved pies for a dollar! I’m buying!

JOSE: Oh, my arteries…
They walk offstage.